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Good evening. It's wonderful to be with
you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, indeed

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it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be bringing you

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00:00:31,460 --> 00:00:35,280
natural history film of Irish swallows
flying north for the winter.

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00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:44,099
After which we'll be entertained by
Elasto, the India rubber man, who caught

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himself in the door at White City tube
station this evening and has gone to

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extraordinary lengths to get here.

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00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:54,520
But first... The news.

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At the old Bailey trial today, Slasher
Nobbs provided a very long profile,

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signed by 3 ,000 people, written on a
toilet roll.

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The prosecution described it as a tissue
of lies.

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Harold Trott, the man who last week
drove his car through the window of a

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Folkestone leather craft shop, was fined
£20 today and had his licence embossed.

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An extraordinary general meeting of
equity, the actors' union was today

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by 300 fully paid -up members and 450
fully made -up members.

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The post office has announced that last
year they received over 5 million

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complaints by letter and phone and as a
result made a large profit.

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Ireland's worst drought this century,
now in its 13th month, Ballymena

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Council... I'd missed that one myself.

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Ballymena Council announced tonight that
there'll be a rain -making ceremony in

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the Municipal Park on Tuesday, or if
wet, in the Town Hall.

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00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:18,399
Finally, good news for North London
motorists. congestion on the North

22
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Road is to be eased by the construction
of the Golders Green Passover.

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But now a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie
Corbett, whose dog got into the larder

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this morning, ate the alphabet soup, and
then left little messages everywhere.

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I can wait here, Mr.

26
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Waterton. I'll call you when the time
passes.

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Oh, thank you very much. I'm sorry I'm a
few minutes early.

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Well, an hour and 20 minutes, to be
precise, but I missed my train. I caught

29
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earlier one.

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00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:55,939
Well, are there going to be a lot of...
I mean, how many people will you be...

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Are you interviewing a lot of people?
No, I don't suppose you are, are you?

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yes, we are. Oh.

33
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Actually.

34
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Astray, actually.

35
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Astray. Sorry?

36
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Astray. Astray. Oh, sorry.

37
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Sorry.

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Sorry, Ashby. Sorry, Ashby. And I go
apologising to the furniture.

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I do talk to furniture now and again,
but it doesn't affect my work in any

40
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No, sir.

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No, right.

42
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Thank you. Thank you.

43
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be without mine.

44
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Sorry.

45
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I say, you don't think these shoes clash
with the frock, do they? No, I thought

46
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they'd go rather well together.

47
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Yes. Born to look my best, you know.

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This damn bombazine picks up every mark,
you know.

49
00:04:45,420 --> 00:04:47,530
Bit of Welsh rabbit on there, look at
that.

50
00:04:47,531 --> 00:04:51,919
Those dodgy points when we went through
Redhill. Damn good breakfast you get on

51
00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:52,759
that train there.

52
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:53,810
Must, sir.

53
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You know, I'm absolutely up a gum tree
here.

54
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Look at this. Two syllables.

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There are hmm -hmms at the bottom of our
garden.

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Begins with F.

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Ferrets? Feathers? Something like that?
What? Feathers or ferrets? No, no, no.

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Rhymes with Mary's.

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Oh.

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No, there isn't any... What's wrong with
fairies? Well, nothing, nothing.

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I've got nothing against them at all.

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I mean, I think you're jolly splendid
chaps, all of you.

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to do and with whom? I mean, honestly,
or vice versa.

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What are you talking about?

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You're talking about the dress, aren't
you? I think you gay -libbed chaps are

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jolly brave sticking to your guns the
way you do. Listen, it's you chaps who

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brave who turn up to these interviews in
shirts and collars and ties and

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jackets. Don't you know it's old Garnet
Hammond?

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Sir Garnet Hammond is doing the
interviewing this morning.

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A chap called Crabtree came in last week
for an interview, dressed like you. He

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begged that Sir Garnet hit the roof.

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Oh, absolutely.

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Nothing wrong with him, mind you. Don't
get me wrong. I'm not saying a word

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against him. Straight as a die.

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Lovely wife.

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Seven beautiful daughters. The trouble
is, you see, with interviews, he has

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thing about he must have a frock.
Everyone must wear a frock. He was just

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same in Tobruk.

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Well, nobody told me. No, it's a great
final, wasn't it? Great final. You don't

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think I came here like this, dressed
like this for my health, do you?

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I had to come past the Royal College of
Hairdressers on my way here.

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Oh, it was absolute murder.

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I've got a rose in my buttonhole. You
want it in your teeth, old man. That's

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where you want your rose. In your teeth.

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I mean, it's perfectly simple. Either
you dress according, or you just say

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goodbye to 15 ,000 pounds, the key to
the executive toilet, and all the

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vouchers you can eat.

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I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.
I've got a few items here.

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I don't know whether they're any good.

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I always carry a few spares, you know.

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They're not much, but they're the end of
the poke in the eye with a burn stick,

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aren't they?

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Well,

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it's very, very kind of you, but I
mean...

95
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Well, I haven't done this since... Since
where?

96
00:07:08,580 --> 00:07:13,360
Well, since school, really. Yes, I was
the best Juliet they'd had, you know.

97
00:07:13,420 --> 00:07:15,340
Well, since Christopher Lee, that was.

98
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No, no, I'll try that.

99
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Oh, that's fair.

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There we are. Yes, there. There we are.

101
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Well, of course, don't let me force you
into this, old chap. I mean, it's no

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skin off my nose. Oh, no, no, I'm very
grateful, honestly.

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Are you? Man to man, really. Right.

104
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How do I look? Oh, lovely, wonderful.

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Keep your knees together, no one will
ever notice.

106
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I'm rather nervous myself, you know. I
think I'll just go and pay a call.

107
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It's damn difficult in this dress, I can
tell you.

108
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Now then, Mr.

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Waterton, are you ready?

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Yes. Oh, sorry, just a tick.

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00:08:01,430 --> 00:08:04,440
You're quite sure you're ready? Yes,
absolutely. Oh, sorry.

112
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Next, please, come along.

113
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Good luck, Mr. Waterton. Thank you.

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Oh, dear.

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Mr. Waterton.

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Oh, Mr.

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Heskett. Yes.

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I'm after Waterton. Not that I think
you've been there very long.

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He seems to be under the impression that
Sir Garnet Hammond likes people in

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dresses. Oh, no, it's not Sir Garnet
today. It's the new chairman, Rear

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Fortescue Drake.

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sidewater than like the cut of your
chin.

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Who's this damn pervert? Throw him out
for God's sake.

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Greetings all strength to your bundlings
and may your furgling be ever fruitful.

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here before you brandishing my regalia.

126
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Well, the BBC have allowed me tonight to
speak in favour of my cause, which is

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home rule for right slip.

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I happen to be high wizard.

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My name is MacDonald and I am the chief
burger.

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Now, free right slip extends from the
running waters of Slashby -de -la -Zooch

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here in the west all the way across to
the better part of Stonebridge Park.

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Now, it's bordered on the north by
Pinner -on -the -Hill, originally called

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Pinner's -the -Wall, and...

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by Hatch End, formerly known as Drake's
Bottom.

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Just like Cornwall and Wales, we want
independence, and it is our declared aim

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next year to welcome His Royal Highness
Prince Andrew, or failing that, Roddy

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Llewellyn, to our ancient land, there to
be invested

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00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:12,820
Lord High Regent of Ryslip by his
sublime effluence, the Archgrove of

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00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:17,859
Failing that, we shall have Esther
Ransom, because her initials are already

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the pillar boxes.

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00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:29,259
Now, my first duty as Chief Burger of
Reislip will be to sound the two frugal

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horns which summon Parliament or Long
Thing.

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Now, with this one... With

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this one, you get the attention of all
three men

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and quite a few dachshunds.

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While with this one... You usually

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get a rupture.

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The long thing will establish the
frontiers of Rightflip. However, if

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come asking for any sort of political
asylum, we shall, of course, continue to

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00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:11,180
direct them to the House of Commons.

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We also intend to bring in a new
currency law. Now, as soon as you reach

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frontier, you will have to change all
your pounds into yurks.

153
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:21,090
Now, there is a yurk.

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There are 47 of these to the pound and
16 to the poppadom.

155
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,940
But the rate is very irregular due to
the failure of the cenopod harvest.

156
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How do we justify our stance, apart from
blaming the failure of the Cinnapot

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Harvest? Well, for 1 ,500 years, this
priceless document aligned the floor

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of the cow shed at Frolic's Frickenham.

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It shows how Rightlip's history began
with one Sveen Foulbreath.

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who came on a single -handed Viking raid
in 1735, or 735, as I should say, and

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fell violently in love with the
beauteous nymphomaniac Lady Agnes

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Who, when her lover said pass, always
replied, I've started, so I'll finish.

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Here, you see, here their only son,
Dagobah the Pointless, who, while

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with the galliard with his page, Poofkin
Lafay, trod on the foot of his Jester

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Rumpo, who beat him to death with a
cabbage on a stick, and declared himself

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King Rumpo I.

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Now, this genuine old nap cure is proof
of Reislip's royal history. Up here, the

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famous humpbacked mountebank, quirk in
drawback, discovered a wart cure,

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consisting of a hard -boiled egg and the
nastier bits of a badger, and with it

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cured the widow Rickman's wart, you see.

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Yes, and to this day, the place is still
called Watford.

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This beautiful contraption here is a
very chastity belt worn by Lady Humphrey

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Gerard. Now, you see, we know it's a
chastity belt because it has chas on the

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back and the rest of the word on the
front.

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00:13:06,090 --> 00:13:10,000
Curiously enough, she had 17 children
while her husband was away on crusades.

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Well, when he returned, of course, she
fled with the awful cry, Gerard's cross.

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00:13:14,081 --> 00:13:18,529
In fact, I've often wondered how she
managed to have 17 children. I've never

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seen these things work before.

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Oh.

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00:13:22,090 --> 00:13:23,140
Oh.

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00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:27,290
The hills are alive with the sound of
music. I bet they were.

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00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:33,000
Over here, over here and round here and
under there, the seventh king of Ryslip,

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00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:37,359
Osbert the Oversized, collected a
thousand maidens for his harem and

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named it the Hanging Gardens of
Basildon.

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00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:42,440
But over here...

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is the actual shield of Osbert the
Oversized. On the left is a goose

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00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:51,339
a field of long grass, and over here,
the back half of a coypew, as he was a

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00:13:51,340 --> 00:13:52,390
of a rat on the side.

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00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:56,959
The harem was taken over by his son, who
became King Osbert the Overworked, and

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00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:00,150
eventually, by his very small brother,
Osbert the Overlooked.

191
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:03,950
Here, too, are the sacred remains of St.
Knott's Winder of Rayner's Lane,

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00:14:03,980 --> 00:14:08,499
miraculously preserved by a process
known only to three traffic monks and

193
00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:10,120
makers of British Rail Meat Pies.

194
00:14:13,550 --> 00:14:17,870
In this box is one of his ears, and in
this box is two of his ears.

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00:14:21,330 --> 00:14:22,710
Here, here, here. Well, then.

196
00:14:24,790 --> 00:14:28,709
Well, there we have ample proof of
Rightlip's royal past. Now, I would like

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00:14:28,710 --> 00:14:32,629
finish with the words of the Rightlip
National Anthem, honoring as it does the

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00:14:32,630 --> 00:14:34,950
very first monarch, King Rumpo I.

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00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:41,070
There'll always be a Rightlip while
there's a subway train.

200
00:14:42,330 --> 00:14:46,000
Whenever... there are two yellow lines
beside a blocked -up grave.

201
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:53,379
The deer will all be cheap lads. The
women will be free if right slip means

202
00:14:53,380 --> 00:14:55,900
much to you as rumpo means to me.

203
00:15:19,060 --> 00:15:25,800
Candy, I call my sugar candy.

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00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:31,500
Because I'm sweet on candy.

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00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:36,220
And candy's sweet on me.

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00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:43,620
She understands me.

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00:15:54,920 --> 00:16:01,259
When I need sympathy You

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00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:07,659
wish that they were

209
00:16:07,660 --> 00:16:09,240
forever

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00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:40,070
Just standing the day I take my game.

211
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:40,580
So you finally got here.

212
00:18:42,380 --> 00:18:43,940
Told you I'd get here, didn't I?

213
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,900
Yeah, a lot of guys say that.

214
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:48,330
Don't always come.

215
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,160
You're scared of Mr.

216
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:52,490
Villanetti, see?

217
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,120
I ain't scared of Mr. Villanetti.

218
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,850
Everybody's scared of Mr. Villanetti,
creep.

219
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:03,860
I ain't scared of him. I ain't scared of
him. Yeah? That's what me thought.

220
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:05,130
Yeah? Yeah.

221
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,270
Well, maybe you're going to get the
opportunity.

222
00:19:09,290 --> 00:19:11,460
He's waiting for you right behind the
door.

223
00:19:11,461 --> 00:19:15,889
Looks like he's going to fill you full
of lead this time, Joey.

224
00:19:15,890 --> 00:19:18,870
I don't care what he does to me. I ain't
scared of him.

225
00:19:20,230 --> 00:19:21,550
Everybody's scared of him.

226
00:19:21,770 --> 00:19:24,190
I ain't scared of him. You don't scare
me.

227
00:19:28,970 --> 00:19:30,020
Hey, Joe.

228
00:19:30,410 --> 00:19:31,710
So you got here.

229
00:19:32,570 --> 00:19:33,620
Good.

230
00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:36,410
Hi there, Mr. Belletti. I came like you
wanted.

231
00:19:37,090 --> 00:19:38,380
Good. Good.

232
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,360
You ain't scared of me, are you, Joe?

233
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,320
No, I ain't scared of you, Mr.
Villanetti.

234
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:50,880
Only I've been thinking, maybe I gotta
fill you this time, Joe.

235
00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:56,120
You don't have to fill me, Mr.
Villanetti. I ain't scared of you. I

236
00:19:57,020 --> 00:19:58,070
Good, good.

237
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:01,820
Come on, step into my room here a
moment.

238
00:20:04,180 --> 00:20:06,230
You don't have to fill me, Mr.
Villanetti.

239
00:20:09,590 --> 00:20:12,110
I ain't gonna hurt a bit.

240
00:21:15,790 --> 00:21:18,990
My darling, it's been too many days since you
you're not there.

241
00:21:20,610 --> 00:21:21,660
I want you.

242
00:21:21,990 --> 00:21:25,670
I desire you passionately. With all my
heart.

243
00:21:26,630 --> 00:21:27,680
THANKS.

244
00:21:28,130 --> 00:21:29,630
But where is your husband?

245
00:21:30,430 --> 00:21:32,490
He's gone for the whole day.

246
00:21:33,090 --> 00:21:34,140
Fortunately.

247
00:21:34,730 --> 00:21:35,850
Ah, that's good.

248
00:21:36,090 --> 00:21:40,270
Don't I want this
huge port surprises us?

249
00:21:41,290 --> 00:21:44,650
Sir, my love, do you love me
really?

250
00:21:45,670 --> 00:21:48,670
Sure I love you with every part
of my being.

251
00:23:08,490 --> 00:23:09,540
Do so.

252
00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:53,170
Forgive me.

253
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:55,200
Pardonnez, pardonnez.

254
00:23:55,800 --> 00:24:00,439
Si jamais je t 'attrape encore avec ma
femme, je te promets de t 'étrangler de

255
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:05,320
mes propres mains, tu comprends? Je ne
veux plus jamais voir ton visage.

256
00:24:17,420 --> 00:24:18,470
Thank you.

257
00:24:53,070 --> 00:24:54,690
But if I do, it will surely change.

258
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:03,850
Thank you.

259
00:26:03,940 --> 00:26:05,020
Dankeschön. Jawohl.

260
00:26:05,021 --> 00:26:09,579
Now, tonight, by the way, how many of
you noticed that just then? I slipped in

261
00:26:09,580 --> 00:26:11,720
little bit of German there.

262
00:26:11,721 --> 00:26:15,679
No, I didn't do that just to impress
you. I was actually for the benefit of

263
00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:19,350
new au pair girl who started doing a bit
of work for us this weekend at home.

264
00:26:19,351 --> 00:26:23,139
She's just come over. It's true. She's
just come over to learn the language,

265
00:26:23,140 --> 00:26:26,039
she's doing very well. This morning she
said to me, I hope you'll be forgiving

266
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:30,740
me my extremely bad language, but I'm
afraid my grandma still needs touching

267
00:26:30,741 --> 00:26:36,819
Fascinating. She's fascinating to listen
to. Now, anyway, on Tuesday, I'll tell

268
00:26:36,820 --> 00:26:40,120
you. On Tuesday last week, I decided to
have an early night.

269
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:45,139
And I was sitting in bed with the Radio
Times, browsing through the adverts, you

270
00:26:45,140 --> 00:26:47,860
know, for ex -Ren naval officers, WX
bloomers.

271
00:26:48,740 --> 00:26:54,679
And admiring a photo of Patrick Moore
and wondering what it must be like to

272
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:55,939
your suit on with a shovel.

273
00:26:55,940 --> 00:26:57,040
When suddenly...

274
00:27:01,260 --> 00:27:07,479
au pair girl entered she didn't walk in
she glided into the room my own fault

275
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:13,359
really silly place to leave the
skateboard then all at once she sat on

276
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:18,119
she put her arm round me I said how dare
you I am a man of integrity I am

277
00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:21,939
happily married and I am British I said
I must warn you if you are not out of

278
00:27:21,940 --> 00:27:27,239
this bedroom by half past seven tomorrow
morning whereupon she left now

279
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:28,290
tonight's story

280
00:27:28,780 --> 00:27:32,719
Tonight's story was actually handed down
to me by my dear old grandfather the

281
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:34,839
other night as he was clearing out our
attic.

282
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:40,419
I suppose, really, I should have gone up
myself, but with my height, climbing a

283
00:27:40,420 --> 00:27:41,920
ladder can be a bit of an ordeal.

284
00:27:41,980 --> 00:27:46,319
I mean, the last time I pitched camp for
the night on the fourth rung, I ran out

285
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:47,370
of supplies.

286
00:27:47,371 --> 00:27:51,599
Now, besides which, my grandfather, in
spite of his age, is a remarkably fit

287
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:55,420
man. 92, and still doing all the things
he was doing when he was 21.

288
00:27:55,421 --> 00:27:59,509
You know, you can imagine my shock the
other night when I peeped through the

289
00:27:59,510 --> 00:28:02,909
crack in his bedroom door and I saw two
sets of false teeth in his glass.

290
00:28:02,910 --> 00:28:08,130
The next day he was walking around with
another notch in his walking stick.

291
00:28:08,250 --> 00:28:15,009
Anyway, this joke was

292
00:28:15,010 --> 00:28:18,370
contained in an old scrapbook he came
across in the attic.

293
00:28:18,610 --> 00:28:22,569
It was a scrapbook, actually, of all the
ecstatic, rave reviews of my past

294
00:28:22,570 --> 00:28:26,000
performances. I let go of it at one
point and it nearly floated out the

295
00:28:26,460 --> 00:28:31,979
Looking through it brought back lots of
happy memories because I had some very

296
00:28:31,980 --> 00:28:33,740
strange jobs back in the old days.

297
00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:38,420
I joined a travelling sideshow with the
fattest man in the world.

298
00:28:39,060 --> 00:28:41,830
A bit tragic, actually. His tummy came
right out to here.

299
00:28:42,100 --> 00:28:43,660
In the end, he died of curiosity.

300
00:28:45,931 --> 00:28:52,639
Now, I must get on with this joke,
because let's be honest, I'm feeling a

301
00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:55,839
bit groggy tonight. I had a tooth out
earlier on in the week. It started

302
00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:59,219
on Wednesday night as I was watching the
late -night film, you know, about Ivan

303
00:28:59,220 --> 00:29:02,650
the Terrible, and his wife, Blodgrim,
the extremely disappointed.

304
00:29:05,020 --> 00:29:09,280
It was still plaguing me this morning at
rehearsal, so I thought, it's no use,

305
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:12,939
I'll have to have it out. So I went
along to the BBC emergency dental

306
00:29:12,940 --> 00:29:16,059
there. No appointment necessary. You
just go up to one of the scene boys and

307
00:29:16,060 --> 00:29:17,799
tell him to get a move on, and that's
the end of it.

308
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:23,239
So, on with the joke, which concerns
these two rugby players who are both

309
00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:26,460
spending the summer holidays at
Scarborough for a bit.

310
00:29:26,820 --> 00:29:27,880
And one day...

311
00:29:28,530 --> 00:29:34,169
One day, for a bit of a thrill, they
decide to go to the local fairground.

312
00:29:34,170 --> 00:29:36,529
they get there, one of the rugby players
turns to the other one. He said,

313
00:29:36,530 --> 00:29:37,580
Rodney, he said.

314
00:29:38,150 --> 00:29:39,200
Rodney Love.

315
00:29:39,201 --> 00:29:42,709
Actually, when I say there were rugby
players, that was a bit of an

316
00:29:42,710 --> 00:29:46,379
exaggeration. There weren't. Really
rugby players. I just put that in to try

317
00:29:46,380 --> 00:29:49,399
win back a few of the Welsh viewers who
switched off after the line about Ivan

318
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:50,450
the Terrible. Anyway.

319
00:29:51,500 --> 00:29:53,760
He said, Rodney, dear heart. He said,
Rodney.

320
00:29:53,761 --> 00:29:56,939
He said, how do you fancy a go on the
Big Dipper? And the other one said,

321
00:29:56,940 --> 00:29:59,779
not a Big Dipper. He said, because he
happened to speak exactly the same as

322
00:29:59,780 --> 00:30:03,419
friend, the Strapsey. He said, that's
not a Big Dipper. He said, that's a

323
00:30:03,420 --> 00:30:07,439
wheel. Anyway, he said, much more of
this and I can wave goodbye to my free

324
00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:09,790
seats for the generation game. Anyway,
he said.

325
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:11,330
He said,

326
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:13,810
you can go.

327
00:30:14,129 --> 00:30:16,510
But it looks far too dangerous for me.

328
00:30:17,050 --> 00:30:20,360
So off he goes, and, oh, sorry, I nearly
got stuck there. Off he goes.

329
00:30:20,361 --> 00:30:25,269
Off the first one goes on his own to one
of those big, huge fairground wheels.

330
00:30:25,270 --> 00:30:28,829
He pays his money, and the wheel slowly
starts spinning round. As it goes, it

331
00:30:28,830 --> 00:30:32,769
gets faster and faster until suddenly
the chap loses his grip completely and

332
00:30:32,770 --> 00:30:35,609
he's thrown right off the wheel into the
air and lands on the ground below.

333
00:30:35,610 --> 00:30:38,209
Walks straight away. Everybody rushes
round him, and his friend who's been

334
00:30:38,210 --> 00:30:41,749
watching is in horror, pushing his way
through the crowd, comes across this

335
00:30:41,750 --> 00:30:44,280
prostrate body lying there. He says,
Terry, Terry.

336
00:30:44,430 --> 00:30:45,510
He said, are you hurt?

337
00:30:45,511 --> 00:30:48,369
The friend lifted himself on one elbow
and said, well, of course I'm hurt,

338
00:30:48,370 --> 00:30:51,020
James. I went round three times, you
never waved once.

339
00:31:33,889 --> 00:31:39,990
You will find we're noted for our
fabulous physique

340
00:31:41,340 --> 00:31:44,200
We do our best to keep performance at a
peak.

341
00:31:44,420 --> 00:31:49,760
To tone me up and keep me bright, I like
a workout twice a night. And as for me,

342
00:31:49,820 --> 00:31:51,820
I get it once a week.

343
00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:57,619
If you work you up and give you zest,
you'll find that exercise is best. It

344
00:31:57,620 --> 00:32:01,739
really puts hairs on my uncle's chest.
And it did the same for your auntie. To

345
00:32:01,740 --> 00:32:05,859
help our uncle beauty grow, we'll bend
our back and touch our toes. It's

346
00:32:05,860 --> 00:32:09,060
certainly giving your cheeks a glow. And
my face is rosier too.

347
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:39,740
Working with the dumbbells. Ladies,
please beware.

348
00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:46,600
Many a thing can befall you when you
wave them in.

349
00:32:55,269 --> 00:33:01,809
But not if you just get a rather large
butt and an arm like a

350
00:33:01,810 --> 00:33:03,270
chimpanzee.

351
00:33:04,670 --> 00:33:11,090
Colonel Chumley watching us put the
shot.

352
00:33:12,070 --> 00:33:13,120
Send.

353
00:33:18,859 --> 00:33:25,779
I thought he might pop the question, but
instead he made a

354
00:33:25,780 --> 00:33:32,339
suggestion. So I mentioned with grace an
alternative place that Colonel

355
00:33:32,340 --> 00:33:34,180
could put the shot.

356
00:33:34,980 --> 00:33:41,539
I once knew a fellow with muscles who'd
lift the best part of a

357
00:33:41,540 --> 00:33:45,760
tongue. He was picking up weights for a
living.

358
00:33:53,260 --> 00:33:57,600
petition, he attempted to pick up a bus.

359
00:33:57,900 --> 00:34:04,479
There were tears in his eyes as he took
first prize seven quid and a second

360
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:05,530
hand truss.

361
00:34:06,540 --> 00:34:13,260
Working with skittles you need the knack
to practice for a spell.

362
00:34:14,380 --> 00:34:20,900
Elizabeth got in the Indian club because
of a Mr. Patel.

363
00:34:32,989 --> 00:34:36,210
And often the skittles as well.

364
00:34:55,989 --> 00:34:58,430
People ask us for advice.

365
00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:03,440
How to keep the figure nice. And we've
got a splendid scheme to help you slim.

366
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:08,260
You can shed that surplus fat. Just get
flat upon the mat.

367
00:35:08,500 --> 00:35:11,340
And have an hour or two of good old Jim.

368
00:35:12,900 --> 00:35:16,060
Jim, Jim, Jim will give you gusto.

369
00:35:16,780 --> 00:35:19,320
Jim, Jim, Jim will make you kick.

370
00:35:20,120 --> 00:35:25,759
And the minutes as they fly will put a
twinkle in your eye. When an hour or two

371
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:27,240
of Jim has done the trick.

372
00:35:35,210 --> 00:35:41,950
I'm on a diet. I'd rather be having a
fit on the quiet. I'm trying to diet.

373
00:35:42,090 --> 00:35:46,110
I'm dying to try it. It's impossible
this afternoon.

374
00:35:47,310 --> 00:35:53,629
My cheeks are like apples. I'm rather a
cutie. My spring like a peach and my

375
00:35:53,630 --> 00:35:54,970
pear is a beauty.

376
00:35:55,210 --> 00:36:01,730
I'm rich and I'm ripe and remarkably
fruity. You're either a plum or a prune.

377
00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:14,899
What can the matter be? Fellas don't
follow me, chat up or flatter me. I'm

378
00:36:14,900 --> 00:36:20,140
a gal with a fatter anatomy since I've
been having me chips.

379
00:36:21,020 --> 00:36:24,680
I'm fond of potatoes, I'm terribly
naughty.

380
00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:30,080
Me nighties are widey instead of a
shorty. I'm flirty and 30.

381
00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:34,580
I thought you were 40. That's only my
bust and my hips.

382
00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:43,439
We once had a thing about Rosemary
Clooney whose finger was slender in

383
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:46,899
a loony in places that made us feel
teeny and puny. We really could do with

384
00:36:46,900 --> 00:36:50,399
notion or two. I found a solution while
I was out shopping and added some

385
00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:54,259
padding to pop in my coffee. Now I'm
Miss Pop and I'm Miss Wapping and if

386
00:36:54,260 --> 00:36:58,839
ashamed, you know what to do. Out the
white legs astride when we leave the

387
00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:02,060
class. That's the way the jolly old
drill gets done.

388
00:37:03,660 --> 00:37:05,000
Never mind the weather.

389
00:37:05,620 --> 00:37:07,020
Never mind the weather.

390
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:10,980
You can't keep your knees, knees
together.

391
00:37:11,500 --> 00:37:15,020
Arms are wide, legs are shy, bouncing on
the grass.

392
00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:18,100
That's the way we often have lots of
fun.

393
00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:23,320
And that's the form of a backflip. We
can make it back to backflip.

394
00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:27,100
Hooray, hooray, we're doing it in the
sun.

395
00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:10,679
Well, that's all we have about time for
tonight. Here are a few items of late

396
00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:11,730
news.

397
00:38:11,731 --> 00:38:15,699
Tonight's big theatrical award, most
promising actress of the year, went to

398
00:38:15,700 --> 00:38:16,599
Deirdre Wallop.

399
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:19,379
However, she was disqualified after it
was discovered that she'd promised

400
00:38:19,380 --> 00:38:20,460
everybody on the jury.

401
00:38:22,980 --> 00:38:27,779
And a man who thinks he's an American
town was getting worse last night in the

402
00:38:27,780 --> 00:38:30,550
London Clinic. He has now worked himself
up into a state.

403
00:38:30,551 --> 00:38:37,249
There was a huge and colourful firework
display at Buckingham Palace tonight

404
00:38:37,250 --> 00:38:39,190
after Princess Anne stubbed her toe.

405
00:38:41,110 --> 00:38:46,109
Next week we'll be talking to an
impoverished ex -member of the KGB,

406
00:38:46,110 --> 00:38:49,420
Gollum, who's trying to make ends meet
by taking in brainwashing.

407
00:38:57,010 --> 00:39:01,389
And we'll meet the embarrassed Scotsman
who muddled up a bag of flour and a bag

408
00:39:01,390 --> 00:39:02,169
of starch.

409
00:39:02,170 --> 00:39:05,420
and finished up with a very stiff haggis
and a self -raising kilt.

410
00:39:06,281 --> 00:39:11,999
Until then, it's good night from me.
It's good night from him.

411
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:16,550
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